Sociopathy Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry

I was watching a news recap of the events of 2011 and one segment that really stood out for me was the interviews with Jerry Sandusky, that scumbag from Penn State who molested young boys.  The part that really struck me was when he was asked if he was sexually attracted to young boys, and he actually flubbed the answer!  Now, a normal human being would not have hesitated in categorically denying any attraction.  Even an accomplished liar would not have hesitated, knowing that such a question had only one respectable answer.  The reason Sandusky flubbed it though, was due to the fact that he actually had to wrap his mind around the fact that his actions were wrong.  The interviews – not just one of them but TWO interviews, where he made the exact same mistake made it clear to everyone watching that he is completely convinced in his own mind that he has done nothing wrong.  Ted Bundy didn’t think he did anything wrong either.  Charles Manson still wonders why he is jail.

 

The sad truth is that these people walk among us.  They are not monsters; they don’t have horns and cloven hooves.  And, they are not all child molesters or murderers.  But they wreak havoc in the lives of people close to them in myriad ways.  They just lack something that most of us have. Call it a moral compass, a sense of responsibility, call it respect.  Whatever it is, there is a piece missing which allows them to behave however they want, and to sleep at night, to even feel good about themselves. 

They don’t have to apologize for anything, because they’ve done nothing wrong, in their minds.  Although, they may become good at apologizing in an effort to convince others that they truly do have a conscience and care about others’ feelings.  In fact, they become expert “spin doctors.”  They learn how to make themselves the victim in every situation that does not go in their favor; from turning a failing business into a “win”, to lost relationships into the fault of the other party, to claiming that they are more adult, evolving, taking risks and chances that others are simply too ignorant or too fearful to take or even understand.  They will make sure they project an image of themselves as good, caring and loving individuals, beyond question.  They are often parents and churchgoers.  In fact, they will go to great lengths to advertise the fact that they are particularly good citizens, churchgoers and excellent parents.  The Green River Killer, after all, was a cop and made a point of volunteering in the community.  He was also, by all accounts, a devoted family man.  Sadly, his particular sociopathy was not identified in time to save lives.

Even when these people are spotted, confronting them and outing them becomes a problem due to the fact that the individuals being hurt are, in one way or another, wrapped up in the relationship and have something to risk.  For example, in the Sandusky affair, the issue was money.   Keeping Sandusky’s actions undercover (no pun intended) was vital to the Penn State football program.  

A sociopath will act like your friend, find out your secrets, and then hold you hostage with them.  People who know sociopaths have a lot wrapped up in not standing up and calling them out, be they business or personal relationships.  This is how they maintain control – through fear.  They are treated like friends publicly, but talked about behind their backs.  How many people knew about what Sandusky was doing, for example, and for how long, with evidence even, but no one spoke up.

So, what does one do when one realizes they have encountered a sociopath in their midst?  You can’t get through to them, since they are so utterly convinced of their superiority and “rightness.”  So, why bother to try?  Why have the boys that were molested by Sandusky finally able to step forward?  Was it because of the power in numbers?  But, one person had to step forward and speak up first.  One person had to break the cycle.

I pray for people who have been affected by both the monsters like Sandusky and the everyday run-of-the mill sociopaths that they may, unfortunately, encounter in their lives.  Whether they stand up and confront their nemeses or just learn to cut the sociopath out of their lives and move on. 

Of course, barring the horns and cloven feet, and barring any allegations of criminal behavior, the run-of-the mill sociopath is hard to recognize.  I think the best we can do is to not let our guard down.   I wish I knew how to best warn people; to prevent the pain and destruction that will undoubtedly be encountered by letting such a person into their lives.  So, I send my thoughts out here, hoping that someone who needs to hear this will.  That someone will beware and will take heed. 

The Nightmare Before Christmas Christmas

This year my son is twelve.  Twelve!  I can't get over it.  We are past believing in Santa Claus, leaving cookies out on a plate, leaving our "Magic Santa Key" under the doormat (we don't have a fireplace, so Santa has to get in somehow!).

I've known for several years that this time was quickly approaching.  Thankfully for me, my child was slower to let go of the Magic of Christmas than many of his peers.  I attribute this partly to the fact that he is an only child and partly to his older friends who were kind enough not to tease him or blow the fantasy, but play along with us.  When he came home from Kindergarten and announced that some children were saying that Santa Clause wasn't real, I quickly told him that they must be bad, and Santa doesn't bring them gifts!  I immediately regretted throwing those kids under the bus (I was imagining how my son looked at those children in school the next day, and what bad things he thought they must have done for Santa to skip their houses on Christmas Eve).  But, he easily accepted my explanation and my "white lie" managed to get us through several more years of Santa Claus presents under the tree and half-eaten cookies in the kitchen.  My son also has a very active imagination and just Loves fantasy and myth and magic.  I think he actually knew that Santa wasn't real long before he admitted it to me, because he wanted to keep up the fantasy (maybe even more for Mom and Dad than for himself).


Of course, he did finally let go of Santa a couple of Christmases ago and I, in true Sassy Scrapbook Gal fashion, have been in denial. He is my one and only, and once the magic is gone, there are no others behind him, still believing, still needing Mommy to create those special moments. But because this is a year of change for me and acceptance and being present, I decided to not only accept that my son is no longer a little boy, but to embrace it, to evolve with him, and to thoroughly enjoy the incredible person he is becoming, instead of mourning the child he is leaving behind.

So, what does this have to do with "The Nightmare Before Christmas", you ask?  Well, the method to this madness of acceptance and evolving started with Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas," because this movie, while animated, is still "cool" enough for my son.  So, this year, instead of pajamas with reindeer and sugar cookies in the shape of stars, it was Nightmare Before Christmas pjs and chocolate "Gingerdead Men."  We watched A Nightmare Before Christmas and played Nightmare Before Christmas Yahtzee.   At the end of the day, we baked goodies and played games and laughed and giggled and made fun of everything. My son may not be a little boy anymore, but he is sweet and precious and funny and smart and loving and everything I wished he would grow in to when he was a babe in my arms.  What I learned was that it is not the method of delivery, but the message that counts.  This year, the message that Christmas is about family and love and thankfulness was heard loud and clear, in our own evolving way.

How Time Flies...

I have not yet figured out, since starting this blog, how to get my ideas organized and post regularly.  I have half written blog posts stagnating in my head, and seemingly no time to write them down. I had great aspirations of posting at least a couple of times a month, but my work and personal life keep getting in the way :)  


I fully intended to post my favorite fall muffin recipes, as fall is the beginning of baking season in my house.  I usually begin baking muffins on Oct. 1, moving to cookies in November/December, and I was hoping to document it all.  But, life is so hectic here in the fall, that finding time to sit down and write about it just wasn't in the cards.  From my and my son's birthdays, to Halloween to Thanksgiving, I can hardly believe that we are now already headed full swing into Christmas!   Suffice it to say that much baking, celebrating and traveling has been going on.  Although I haven't documented my thoughts here, I am itching to start creating scrapbook keepsakes of all of this fall's memories (especially after my Black Friday trip to my favorite scrapbook store!) 

The catalyst for my deciding to make time to sit down and type out my thoughts this morning however, is that my husband has received some very sad news today of the sudden passing of a colleague with whom he was speaking just last night and planning to collaborate with later this month.  By all accounts this man was one of the kindest, most generous people you ever want to meet.  He will be greatly missed. 


So, while my life is whizzing by and I am contemplating everything that I would like to find time to do, I just wanted to stop for a moment and be thankful for all that I have and the people that I love.  We only have this one life and we don't know how much time we have to live it.  Today is truly all we have.  I plan to hold those dear to me very close tonight and give thanks to God, because in the end, that is all that matters.