Reflecting on Memorial Day

I have been thinking about my father all day this Memorial Day.  He was a veteran of WWII and would have been 87 this year.  He did not die in battle defending our country.  He died at the young age of 62, of lung cancer. 

I’m sure if he were here he would be reminding me that Memorial Day is a day to remember those who gave their lives in battle defending our country, while Veterans’ Day is a day to recognize those who bravely fought, and those who are still fighting, for our freedom. 

Although my father did not die in battle, he gave of himself, as so many young women and men are doing today, and he was, as they all are, forever changed by the experience.  He used to tell me that we live in the greatest country in the world and that we are the luckiest people in the world.  However, of his war experiences I can only tell you the following:

• He was an Army Corp. engineer (his dream was to be a Navy pilot, but his eyesight     was bad, (something I, unfortunately inherited from him) and so, even in wartime – the Navy would not accept him);
• He was an Avenger of Bataan;
• He watched a good friend die in a foxhole next to him (and he would become emotional just saying that);
• His last promotion was to a position in the watch tower, a job that came with a life expectancy of approximately 24 hours.  (As luck would have it, within a short time on his watch, the camp was ordered to disassemble and move on);
• He used to write letters to his mother, changing his middle initial in the signature on each letter, to spell out his location, so she would have an idea where he was.  It was supposed to be classified information;
• When he was on base and his parents could come visit him, his mother would ride hours or days carrying a banana bread loaf that she made for him, because it was his favorite.  (To this day, I make an amazing banana bread – can practically do it with my eyes shut at this point – and I think of him and that story every time I make it).

Like so many of my father’s generation, he didn’t talk much about the war.  These are the only facts/stories that I could ever get out of him, no matter how much I asked him to tell me.  Maybe he was trying to protect himself from reliving the memories.   Maybe he simply wanted to protect me from the atrocities of war, from the many harsh realities of the world and this often cruel life that we live.

There is so much I could write about veterans and what our country and society could and should be doing for them.   But, that’s not really what this blog post is about.  This is about my father.

There is so much that I would like to write about my father.  Meal time was an adventure.  He never sat down for a meal that didn’t last a minimum of 3-4 hours.  This is not an exaggeration.  I mean literally. I’m not kidding.  We routinely shut restaurants down.  When at home, my mother was constantly reheating food and refilling drinks while my father continued to tell stories and ask questions and pull stories out of dinner guests and family.  He loved good food and good conversation.  He used to tell me that he was forced in the army to eat rations in a cold, wet foxhole, and even when they had the luxury of a mess tent, meal time was limited to 15 minutes.  He swore to himself that he would never be rushed through a meal again.  And he wasn’t. 

He loved comedians.  He watched very little T.V. other than news and sports, with the exception of a few favorites including Carol Burnett, M*A*S*H, and Hogan’s Heroes.  He was a huge sports fan.  On a Sunday afternoon, he would have the little television in the kitchen on one sport, the radio on another, while simultaneously scanning the sports page in the newspaper.  The only sport he never liked was the steeple chase.  He said it was cruel to the horses.

He never read fiction.  He said life was interesting enough, why would you need to make anything up?   He could pick up any instrument and play it by ear.  He was generous and fun-loving and lovable, and also serious and firm in his beliefs and the way things should be.  He was a Republican back in the day.  He was economically conservative, but with decidedly liberal personal views.

He abhorred bigotry and intolerance of any kind, and instilled the same in me.  He taught me that I was smart (because that’s what he believed) and pretty (because that’s what I wanted to be).  He told me that I could be anything I wanted to be. He taught me that I am special and valuable, and to think for myself and stand up for myself.

I wish that I could fully describe what an amazing man he was, and what a great example he provided me.  There are so many things that I wish I could say to him, talk over with him and get his advice about.  I wonder what he would think about the world today.  What would he think about the fact that we have been at war continuously for over a decade?  What about politics today, terrorism, the internet?   I can only wonder and hope that I live up to his example and be the best me I can be, every day, in his memory.

Never Again.  Starting Now.

Why the F are there not mandatory underground shelters in homes and schools in tornado alley??!!  Yes, I know - the cost.  F the cost.  Yes, that’s what I said.  F it!  I’m angry, I’m sickened, and I’m devastated for the poor families that are suffering right now.  What makes me the most angry, is that I believe that the majority of the deaths could have been prevented.  There was warning.  There was time. Children were taken to their “safe” place – an interior hallway.  Seriously?  An interior hallway? 

While there are so many tragedies in this world that we cannot prevent, our society certainly has the intelligence, the technology and yes, the money, to prevent so many of them. And, yet we refuse to address the most important issues, mainly the health and safety of our people, and especially our children. I’m talking about everything from natural disasters to gun violence to health care. We choose instead to focus on political nonsense and who’s having affairs and sexting, etc. It makes me want to Scream (or alternately curl up in fetal position and disappear). God’s greatest gift to us is each other, and in particular, our children. Why are we, as a people and a country, not respecting and protecting and appreciating that Gift every day? 

On a personal level, we do not nourish our relationships as we should – spouses, children, parents, siblings and friends.  We take each other for granted. On a national level, we are not protecting our citizens from gun violence and terrorism. We are not making sure that things like child care, health care, including mental health care and medicine are available for everyone.  There are people starving in our own country and around the world – something that should be basic and solvable, should be a done deal.

 

I know I have been personally guilty of taking my life and my relationships for granted.  I’m sure I’m not alone in that realization, if we are all honest with ourselves.  But, I’ve learned that sometimes it takes almost losing it all, to appreciate what you have.  What is it going to take for us, as a nation, or just as human beings, to wake up and realize what a precious and amazing Gift this life is, and stop wasting our time here on things that just don’t matter? 

How would life be different if we were always aware of the fact that at any given moment we could lose someone we love?

While it seems that I don’t have the answers, just more questions, I will start here by sending a Big Thank You to my husband who, when these tragedies occur (and there have been way too many of them of late) has, unfortunately, the added burden of dealing with a weepy and emotional wife and an anxious son. My husband very adeptly navigates how much exposure both my son and I have to the constant, saturating influx of the devastation, and I appreciate that So Much.

So my promise (to myself) starts here:

1.  Never take my relationships for granted - Never Again.

2.  Be a better, more involved citizen - Starting Now.

Finding My Ruby Slippers and the Meaning of Courage

I haven’t posted anything since the New Year, 2012.  I’ve had a busy year filled with activities and thoughts that I fully intended on blogging about, but just never had the time (and that’s a good thing!).  Blogging has clearly not been a priority for me.  I thought that it was a habit that I would develop over time and that it would help me to take a step back and see things more clearly.  Also, I like the idea of having a written record of my thoughts and personal journey, much like my scrapbooks, but in words. Maybe I just need to work harder at making it a habit. 

That being said, I feel compelled to put some thoughts down, as I reflect on the past year.  At the beginning of the year, I asked for peace in 2012.  And peace, I received.  But I received so much more than that.  I’ve heard that when you pray for something, God doesn’t give you that thing for which you ask, but provides an opportunity for you to achieve it.  Well, I definitely received “opportunities” this year.  What it all amounts to is actually pretty cliché -- that I already have everything I need to create the life I always dreamed of [insert *clicking of red sparkly heels* here, and repeat – “there’s no place like home”].  

Most of all, I have been given the opportunity to be courageous and to witness courageousness in a way that I never would have considered before.   In our society, it seems to me that the definition of courage is too often warped and misused.

I’m not talking about the kind of courage it takes to run into a burning building to save another person, or to fight terrorism or debilitating injury or disease.  I think everyone can recognize and agree that that is courage.  I’m talking about a quiet, everyday kind of courage.  I’m talking about what it takes, day in and day out, for  an individual to live his or her life in a way that is honest and true to their beliefs and desires. To not let any person, society or peer group pressure you out of working toward what you really want for yourself.  Being courageous is doing what you think is best for you and taking a chance that if you follow your heart and your instincts, you may fail or be rejected.

Psychologist Rollo May states:

“The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity.”

When people in our society use (or misuse) the term “courage”, they are actually talking about someone who resists ‘conforming’.  So, the question is, ‘conforming’ to what?  Conforming to society’s expectations of you?  Or, conforming to the expectations of your family or your peers?  Every bully knows that the way to cloak their own bad behavior is to get others to participate in the behavior with them.   That many people will not have the courage to stand up for what they know is right.

The unspoken truth is that we would always like the easy way out.  Whether that be acquiescing to others’ expectations of us, or finding the easiest possible route to resolving our issues or correcting our past mistakes. It is easier to scrap everything and start over again when things get hard, than to fix what is broken. Our society, our peers, support and encourage decisions to start over, start new, go for the quick fix, every day.  We see it everywhere, from divorce to bankruptcy to dissolving businesses, friendships, partnerships.  Even down to the ability to “reinvent” ourselves and project and create whole new identities on social media platforms.

Real courage is standing up for yourself and your ideas and not letting go even when it would be not only the easy thing to do, but the more supported by your peer group.

 “If you do not express your own original ideas, if you do not listen to your own being, then you will have betrayed yourself” ~Rollo May

Once we’ve betrayed ourselves, we tend to further cover our mistakes under the guise of being “courageous”, when really the behavior is reckless as opposed to courageous. 

Courage, according to Aristotle, is the mean between fear and recklessness. 

Next time you’re doing something you’re calling “courageous”, take a closer look. Is it actually reckless or selfish?  Is it simply a bad choice or an “easy way out”, disguised as “courageous” in an effort to do what you want and yet be able to view your actions in the best possible light?

Maybe that sounds pessimistic.  But, I’ve had a long road and many hard lessons to learn over the past several years, not the least of which is that there are people who  will not hesitate to harm others in the pursuant of their own gains, even if that means lying, cheating, threatening and manipulating. Society makes it easier for such a person, when they can disguise this behavior and spin it as being “courageous.”  

I used to always give people the benefit of the doubt and expect the best from everyone.  Sadly, I’ve learned that I need to be a better guardian for myself.  But, I’ve also learned that it is well within my power to do so.  All I need is to summon that “courage” that was there all along….

“There’s no place like home…there’s no place like home…”

“ Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, who discovered that she always had the means for going home, you already have what you need to be happy and safe. You have never really left Home. However, if you don't believe you already have what you need to be happy and safe, it is as if it isn't true: If we don't know the ruby slippers will take us home, it's like not having them. The ego keeps us from seeing the truth about those ruby slippers- it keeps us from seeing the truth about life. Home is right here, right now, but we may not realize it and there for not experience Home, or Essence as much as we might.” 

― Gina Lake, What about Now?

Bullies

I have something to say about bullies.  Although we all think we know what bullying looks like, sometimes bullying is subtle, and evident only to those involved.  Sometimes it takes forms that we don't necessarily consider bullying.  

I'm pondering a very sad event that happened in my neighborhood recently.  I would love to tell the story here, but I don't know how the family would feel about it, so I will refrain.  But, let me just say this - when you take actions and make decisions that affect another person's private life, and make those actions and decisions public and fodder for gossip, you are a bully.  When innocent people are hurt and humiliated by your actions, you are bully.  The ripple effects can be more disastrous than the intent, but that doesn't make it ok.  

When you tweet and blog about personal situations that you know are hurtful to the other people involved, that is bullying.  When your behaviors affect others and your commentary on it is specifically designed to hurt, humiliate, intimidate, or provoke another, that is bullying.

My heart breaks for the family involved in this most recent string of events.  There has been drama, retaliation, great pain and ultimately, tragedy.  If the people involved knew the ripple effects their actions would have would they have acted differently?  I don't know.  But I doubt it, since the bully in this situation now seems to see herself as the victim and the scapegoat because someone retaliated.  I'm not quite sure why this came as such a surprise.  Maybe no one has ever confronted this bully before.  The rumor is that she has gotten away with, in fact has a history of such selfish, hurtful behavior, in the past.  So, maybe she truly didn't expect anyone to hold her accountable.

I just know that there is an awful lot of talk lately about bullies in school and protecting our children, teaching them how to stand up to and stop bullies.  But I look around and see adults whose behavior is no better.  Whether you are 5 or 35, it's still bullying.


Ultimately, bullies are cowards and that's why we teach that they should be confronted.  They hide behind groups of friends and online identities.  But, when confronted, they will often turn the tables and try to accuse the people confronting them for their actions as the bullies.

Our children look around and learn bullying behavior.  They see adults who have no consideration for others, whose main objective is to make themselves happy.  What do you expect the children are going to learn and absorb?  What the adults around them say or what they do?

Please please keep what should remain private to yourself, particularly if what you are doing hurts other people.  If you choose to make your private life public knowledge, and as such you are hurting innocent people, be prepared to be stood up to.  That's what we tell our children to do, and we should do no less as adults.   You don’t get respect where it is not given and don’t cry “victim” if you are the one that started the war.

Productivity Schmoductivity....

So, I'm back from another great scrapbooking weekend!  I wish I could say that I got a ton of pages completed and am really proud of my accomplishments.  But, in reality, the weekend flew by. I had a problem with my printer and my finished pages, for the most part, did not turn out quite as I had hoped. I am already visualzing and making notes about some changes that I want to make.

The truth is, I'm getting more than a little anxious about the number of photos that are piliing up and my lack of both organization and time to devote to this effort.  I worked on 5 pages this weekend and did a couple of mini albums that I will give as gifts.  I usually attend a couple of scrapbooking weekends a year, and at the rate of 5-10 pages per getaway, I am falling behind at an alarming rate.  It never fails that every time I return from a weekend away, I have grand intentions of devoting more time to scrapbooking and making it a real habit, scheduling a specific amount of time to it each week.  But, alas, I always find myself at the next weekend crop realizing that I haven't touched my stash since the previous weekend away. 

My husband, in an effort to help with my frustration, even set up a cropping area for me, so I would have an inviting little space where I could work to my heart's content.  But the space available in our house is a sitting room in the bedroom.  So, although it is a great space that I know I am lucky to have, I end up feeling isolated up there, so I tend to avoid it.  Hubby's new plan is to move some furniture around and create a space in the living area of the house, so I can be a part of the evening's activities while I crop.  This is going to take some thought and reconfiguration of a rather small space. At any rate, in some way, shape or form, I'm going to have to figure out how to step up my efforts.

 As always though, I had a great time at the crop.  I love this time to  reconnect with my friends, scraplift some new ideas, get a massage, have no responsibilites for a couple of days, really relax and let my hair down....hmmm...wait.... did I say I have a productivity issue....??

Would You Like…To Play…A Game?

Without a doubt, games are awesome.  Not only are games entertaining and fun, but we learn from games as both children and adults.  Games are emerging in adult/professional/serious venues.  The value of games and what makes a game of good educational value, is hotly debated.  However, I don’t think there is any doubt that games can be used to teach problem solving.

If you are a child of the 80s, like me, you most certainly remember the oh-so poignant moment at the end of the 1983 movie “War Games” when the computer “learns” that it can’t win at “Global Thermal Nuclear War”, any more than it can win at “Tic-Tac-Toe.” 

Remember the trailer tag line?...“Where the only winning move is NOT TO PLAY.”

Just as in the movie “Wargames” we have to learn that sometimes, the only way to win is not to play.

I love this scene:

Stephen Falken: Now, children, come on over here. I'm going to tell you a bedtime story. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. Once upon a time, there lived a magnificent race of animals that dominated the world through age after age. They ran, they swam, and they fought and they flew, until suddenly, quite recently, they disappeared. Nature just gave up and started again. We weren't even apes then. We were just these smart little rodents hiding in the rocks. And when we go, nature will start again. With the bees, probably. Nature knows when to give up, David.

Humans apparently lack this simple understanding; not due to our instinct to fight for survival, but due to our most human, and most arrogant, need to be right.

I read a blog post by Denny Coates recently that put it very simply – “The truth is impotent when it contradicts someone’s beliefs.”

There is a reason why the previous generation rarely discussed politics “in polite company”; why there is no talking to the Tea Partiers when they equate facts with opinions.  It was very sadly and blatantly put in a conversation I had recently with a family member, when faced with a “fact” and his response was “and that’s your opinion.” Stunning. Mind blowing.

Why keep banging your head against a wall?  Why argue with someone who is not going to see things differently, who does not have the capacity to see things from another point of view?

Futility. That there's a time when you should just give up.

Why fight a fight that has no winner or a fight that is long since passed its time? Sometimes the only way to win is not to play – said another way; never wrestle with a pig, you’ll both get dirty and only the pig will enjoy it. 

Desiderata

I have been contemplating this poem lately.  It speaks volumes to me at the moment.  I had intended to blog about it, explain what it means to me.  But really, the piece is so simply perfect and complete in and of itself, that I decided to just post it here, in it's entirety.  My hope is that it will bring serenity, peace and focus to those who may read it here, as it does me.

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.