Finding My Ruby Slippers and the Meaning of Courage

I haven’t posted anything since the New Year, 2012.  I’ve had a busy year filled with activities and thoughts that I fully intended on blogging about, but just never had the time (and that’s a good thing!).  Blogging has clearly not been a priority for me.  I thought that it was a habit that I would develop over time and that it would help me to take a step back and see things more clearly.  Also, I like the idea of having a written record of my thoughts and personal journey, much like my scrapbooks, but in words. Maybe I just need to work harder at making it a habit. 

That being said, I feel compelled to put some thoughts down, as I reflect on the past year.  At the beginning of the year, I asked for peace in 2012.  And peace, I received.  But I received so much more than that.  I’ve heard that when you pray for something, God doesn’t give you that thing for which you ask, but provides an opportunity for you to achieve it.  Well, I definitely received “opportunities” this year.  What it all amounts to is actually pretty cliché -- that I already have everything I need to create the life I always dreamed of [insert *clicking of red sparkly heels* here, and repeat – “there’s no place like home”].  

Most of all, I have been given the opportunity to be courageous and to witness courageousness in a way that I never would have considered before.   In our society, it seems to me that the definition of courage is too often warped and misused.

I’m not talking about the kind of courage it takes to run into a burning building to save another person, or to fight terrorism or debilitating injury or disease.  I think everyone can recognize and agree that that is courage.  I’m talking about a quiet, everyday kind of courage.  I’m talking about what it takes, day in and day out, for  an individual to live his or her life in a way that is honest and true to their beliefs and desires. To not let any person, society or peer group pressure you out of working toward what you really want for yourself.  Being courageous is doing what you think is best for you and taking a chance that if you follow your heart and your instincts, you may fail or be rejected.

Psychologist Rollo May states:

“The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity.”

When people in our society use (or misuse) the term “courage”, they are actually talking about someone who resists ‘conforming’.  So, the question is, ‘conforming’ to what?  Conforming to society’s expectations of you?  Or, conforming to the expectations of your family or your peers?  Every bully knows that the way to cloak their own bad behavior is to get others to participate in the behavior with them.   That many people will not have the courage to stand up for what they know is right.

The unspoken truth is that we would always like the easy way out.  Whether that be acquiescing to others’ expectations of us, or finding the easiest possible route to resolving our issues or correcting our past mistakes. It is easier to scrap everything and start over again when things get hard, than to fix what is broken. Our society, our peers, support and encourage decisions to start over, start new, go for the quick fix, every day.  We see it everywhere, from divorce to bankruptcy to dissolving businesses, friendships, partnerships.  Even down to the ability to “reinvent” ourselves and project and create whole new identities on social media platforms.

Real courage is standing up for yourself and your ideas and not letting go even when it would be not only the easy thing to do, but the more supported by your peer group.

 “If you do not express your own original ideas, if you do not listen to your own being, then you will have betrayed yourself” ~Rollo May

Once we’ve betrayed ourselves, we tend to further cover our mistakes under the guise of being “courageous”, when really the behavior is reckless as opposed to courageous. 

Courage, according to Aristotle, is the mean between fear and recklessness. 

Next time you’re doing something you’re calling “courageous”, take a closer look. Is it actually reckless or selfish?  Is it simply a bad choice or an “easy way out”, disguised as “courageous” in an effort to do what you want and yet be able to view your actions in the best possible light?

Maybe that sounds pessimistic.  But, I’ve had a long road and many hard lessons to learn over the past several years, not the least of which is that there are people who  will not hesitate to harm others in the pursuant of their own gains, even if that means lying, cheating, threatening and manipulating. Society makes it easier for such a person, when they can disguise this behavior and spin it as being “courageous.”  

I used to always give people the benefit of the doubt and expect the best from everyone.  Sadly, I’ve learned that I need to be a better guardian for myself.  But, I’ve also learned that it is well within my power to do so.  All I need is to summon that “courage” that was there all along….

“There’s no place like home…there’s no place like home…”

“ Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, who discovered that she always had the means for going home, you already have what you need to be happy and safe. You have never really left Home. However, if you don't believe you already have what you need to be happy and safe, it is as if it isn't true: If we don't know the ruby slippers will take us home, it's like not having them. The ego keeps us from seeing the truth about those ruby slippers- it keeps us from seeing the truth about life. Home is right here, right now, but we may not realize it and there for not experience Home, or Essence as much as we might.” 

― Gina Lake, What about Now?

Bullies

I have something to say about bullies.  Although we all think we know what bullying looks like, sometimes bullying is subtle, and evident only to those involved.  Sometimes it takes forms that we don't necessarily consider bullying.  

I'm pondering a very sad event that happened in my neighborhood recently.  I would love to tell the story here, but I don't know how the family would feel about it, so I will refrain.  But, let me just say this - when you take actions and make decisions that affect another person's private life, and make those actions and decisions public and fodder for gossip, you are a bully.  When innocent people are hurt and humiliated by your actions, you are bully.  The ripple effects can be more disastrous than the intent, but that doesn't make it ok.  

When you tweet and blog about personal situations that you know are hurtful to the other people involved, that is bullying.  When your behaviors affect others and your commentary on it is specifically designed to hurt, humiliate, intimidate, or provoke another, that is bullying.

My heart breaks for the family involved in this most recent string of events.  There has been drama, retaliation, great pain and ultimately, tragedy.  If the people involved knew the ripple effects their actions would have would they have acted differently?  I don't know.  But I doubt it, since the bully in this situation now seems to see herself as the victim and the scapegoat because someone retaliated.  I'm not quite sure why this came as such a surprise.  Maybe no one has ever confronted this bully before.  The rumor is that she has gotten away with, in fact has a history of such selfish, hurtful behavior, in the past.  So, maybe she truly didn't expect anyone to hold her accountable.

I just know that there is an awful lot of talk lately about bullies in school and protecting our children, teaching them how to stand up to and stop bullies.  But I look around and see adults whose behavior is no better.  Whether you are 5 or 35, it's still bullying.


Ultimately, bullies are cowards and that's why we teach that they should be confronted.  They hide behind groups of friends and online identities.  But, when confronted, they will often turn the tables and try to accuse the people confronting them for their actions as the bullies.

Our children look around and learn bullying behavior.  They see adults who have no consideration for others, whose main objective is to make themselves happy.  What do you expect the children are going to learn and absorb?  What the adults around them say or what they do?

Please please keep what should remain private to yourself, particularly if what you are doing hurts other people.  If you choose to make your private life public knowledge, and as such you are hurting innocent people, be prepared to be stood up to.  That's what we tell our children to do, and we should do no less as adults.   You don’t get respect where it is not given and don’t cry “victim” if you are the one that started the war.

Productivity Schmoductivity....

So, I'm back from another great scrapbooking weekend!  I wish I could say that I got a ton of pages completed and am really proud of my accomplishments.  But, in reality, the weekend flew by. I had a problem with my printer and my finished pages, for the most part, did not turn out quite as I had hoped. I am already visualzing and making notes about some changes that I want to make.

The truth is, I'm getting more than a little anxious about the number of photos that are piliing up and my lack of both organization and time to devote to this effort.  I worked on 5 pages this weekend and did a couple of mini albums that I will give as gifts.  I usually attend a couple of scrapbooking weekends a year, and at the rate of 5-10 pages per getaway, I am falling behind at an alarming rate.  It never fails that every time I return from a weekend away, I have grand intentions of devoting more time to scrapbooking and making it a real habit, scheduling a specific amount of time to it each week.  But, alas, I always find myself at the next weekend crop realizing that I haven't touched my stash since the previous weekend away. 

My husband, in an effort to help with my frustration, even set up a cropping area for me, so I would have an inviting little space where I could work to my heart's content.  But the space available in our house is a sitting room in the bedroom.  So, although it is a great space that I know I am lucky to have, I end up feeling isolated up there, so I tend to avoid it.  Hubby's new plan is to move some furniture around and create a space in the living area of the house, so I can be a part of the evening's activities while I crop.  This is going to take some thought and reconfiguration of a rather small space. At any rate, in some way, shape or form, I'm going to have to figure out how to step up my efforts.

 As always though, I had a great time at the crop.  I love this time to  reconnect with my friends, scraplift some new ideas, get a massage, have no responsibilites for a couple of days, really relax and let my hair down....hmmm...wait.... did I say I have a productivity issue....??

Would You Like…To Play…A Game?

Without a doubt, games are awesome.  Not only are games entertaining and fun, but we learn from games as both children and adults.  Games are emerging in adult/professional/serious venues.  The value of games and what makes a game of good educational value, is hotly debated.  However, I don’t think there is any doubt that games can be used to teach problem solving.

If you are a child of the 80s, like me, you most certainly remember the oh-so poignant moment at the end of the 1983 movie “War Games” when the computer “learns” that it can’t win at “Global Thermal Nuclear War”, any more than it can win at “Tic-Tac-Toe.” 

Remember the trailer tag line?...“Where the only winning move is NOT TO PLAY.”

Just as in the movie “Wargames” we have to learn that sometimes, the only way to win is not to play.

I love this scene:

Stephen Falken: Now, children, come on over here. I'm going to tell you a bedtime story. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. Once upon a time, there lived a magnificent race of animals that dominated the world through age after age. They ran, they swam, and they fought and they flew, until suddenly, quite recently, they disappeared. Nature just gave up and started again. We weren't even apes then. We were just these smart little rodents hiding in the rocks. And when we go, nature will start again. With the bees, probably. Nature knows when to give up, David.

Humans apparently lack this simple understanding; not due to our instinct to fight for survival, but due to our most human, and most arrogant, need to be right.

I read a blog post by Denny Coates recently that put it very simply – “The truth is impotent when it contradicts someone’s beliefs.”

There is a reason why the previous generation rarely discussed politics “in polite company”; why there is no talking to the Tea Partiers when they equate facts with opinions.  It was very sadly and blatantly put in a conversation I had recently with a family member, when faced with a “fact” and his response was “and that’s your opinion.” Stunning. Mind blowing.

Why keep banging your head against a wall?  Why argue with someone who is not going to see things differently, who does not have the capacity to see things from another point of view?

Futility. That there's a time when you should just give up.

Why fight a fight that has no winner or a fight that is long since passed its time? Sometimes the only way to win is not to play – said another way; never wrestle with a pig, you’ll both get dirty and only the pig will enjoy it. 

Desiderata

I have been contemplating this poem lately.  It speaks volumes to me at the moment.  I had intended to blog about it, explain what it means to me.  But really, the piece is so simply perfect and complete in and of itself, that I decided to just post it here, in it's entirety.  My hope is that it will bring serenity, peace and focus to those who may read it here, as it does me.

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Sociopathy Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry

I was watching a news recap of the events of 2011 and one segment that really stood out for me was the interviews with Jerry Sandusky, that scumbag from Penn State who molested young boys.  The part that really struck me was when he was asked if he was sexually attracted to young boys, and he actually flubbed the answer!  Now, a normal human being would not have hesitated in categorically denying any attraction.  Even an accomplished liar would not have hesitated, knowing that such a question had only one respectable answer.  The reason Sandusky flubbed it though, was due to the fact that he actually had to wrap his mind around the fact that his actions were wrong.  The interviews – not just one of them but TWO interviews, where he made the exact same mistake made it clear to everyone watching that he is completely convinced in his own mind that he has done nothing wrong.  Ted Bundy didn’t think he did anything wrong either.  Charles Manson still wonders why he is jail.

 

The sad truth is that these people walk among us.  They are not monsters; they don’t have horns and cloven hooves.  And, they are not all child molesters or murderers.  But they wreak havoc in the lives of people close to them in myriad ways.  They just lack something that most of us have. Call it a moral compass, a sense of responsibility, call it respect.  Whatever it is, there is a piece missing which allows them to behave however they want, and to sleep at night, to even feel good about themselves. 

They don’t have to apologize for anything, because they’ve done nothing wrong, in their minds.  Although, they may become good at apologizing in an effort to convince others that they truly do have a conscience and care about others’ feelings.  In fact, they become expert “spin doctors.”  They learn how to make themselves the victim in every situation that does not go in their favor; from turning a failing business into a “win”, to lost relationships into the fault of the other party, to claiming that they are more adult, evolving, taking risks and chances that others are simply too ignorant or too fearful to take or even understand.  They will make sure they project an image of themselves as good, caring and loving individuals, beyond question.  They are often parents and churchgoers.  In fact, they will go to great lengths to advertise the fact that they are particularly good citizens, churchgoers and excellent parents.  The Green River Killer, after all, was a cop and made a point of volunteering in the community.  He was also, by all accounts, a devoted family man.  Sadly, his particular sociopathy was not identified in time to save lives.

Even when these people are spotted, confronting them and outing them becomes a problem due to the fact that the individuals being hurt are, in one way or another, wrapped up in the relationship and have something to risk.  For example, in the Sandusky affair, the issue was money.   Keeping Sandusky’s actions undercover (no pun intended) was vital to the Penn State football program.  

A sociopath will act like your friend, find out your secrets, and then hold you hostage with them.  People who know sociopaths have a lot wrapped up in not standing up and calling them out, be they business or personal relationships.  This is how they maintain control – through fear.  They are treated like friends publicly, but talked about behind their backs.  How many people knew about what Sandusky was doing, for example, and for how long, with evidence even, but no one spoke up.

So, what does one do when one realizes they have encountered a sociopath in their midst?  You can’t get through to them, since they are so utterly convinced of their superiority and “rightness.”  So, why bother to try?  Why have the boys that were molested by Sandusky finally able to step forward?  Was it because of the power in numbers?  But, one person had to step forward and speak up first.  One person had to break the cycle.

I pray for people who have been affected by both the monsters like Sandusky and the everyday run-of-the mill sociopaths that they may, unfortunately, encounter in their lives.  Whether they stand up and confront their nemeses or just learn to cut the sociopath out of their lives and move on. 

Of course, barring the horns and cloven feet, and barring any allegations of criminal behavior, the run-of-the mill sociopath is hard to recognize.  I think the best we can do is to not let our guard down.   I wish I knew how to best warn people; to prevent the pain and destruction that will undoubtedly be encountered by letting such a person into their lives.  So, I send my thoughts out here, hoping that someone who needs to hear this will.  That someone will beware and will take heed. 

The Nightmare Before Christmas Christmas

This year my son is twelve.  Twelve!  I can't get over it.  We are past believing in Santa Claus, leaving cookies out on a plate, leaving our "Magic Santa Key" under the doormat (we don't have a fireplace, so Santa has to get in somehow!).

I've known for several years that this time was quickly approaching.  Thankfully for me, my child was slower to let go of the Magic of Christmas than many of his peers.  I attribute this partly to the fact that he is an only child and partly to his older friends who were kind enough not to tease him or blow the fantasy, but play along with us.  When he came home from Kindergarten and announced that some children were saying that Santa Clause wasn't real, I quickly told him that they must be bad, and Santa doesn't bring them gifts!  I immediately regretted throwing those kids under the bus (I was imagining how my son looked at those children in school the next day, and what bad things he thought they must have done for Santa to skip their houses on Christmas Eve).  But, he easily accepted my explanation and my "white lie" managed to get us through several more years of Santa Claus presents under the tree and half-eaten cookies in the kitchen.  My son also has a very active imagination and just Loves fantasy and myth and magic.  I think he actually knew that Santa wasn't real long before he admitted it to me, because he wanted to keep up the fantasy (maybe even more for Mom and Dad than for himself).


Of course, he did finally let go of Santa a couple of Christmases ago and I, in true Sassy Scrapbook Gal fashion, have been in denial. He is my one and only, and once the magic is gone, there are no others behind him, still believing, still needing Mommy to create those special moments. But because this is a year of change for me and acceptance and being present, I decided to not only accept that my son is no longer a little boy, but to embrace it, to evolve with him, and to thoroughly enjoy the incredible person he is becoming, instead of mourning the child he is leaving behind.

So, what does this have to do with "The Nightmare Before Christmas", you ask?  Well, the method to this madness of acceptance and evolving started with Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas," because this movie, while animated, is still "cool" enough for my son.  So, this year, instead of pajamas with reindeer and sugar cookies in the shape of stars, it was Nightmare Before Christmas pjs and chocolate "Gingerdead Men."  We watched A Nightmare Before Christmas and played Nightmare Before Christmas Yahtzee.   At the end of the day, we baked goodies and played games and laughed and giggled and made fun of everything. My son may not be a little boy anymore, but he is sweet and precious and funny and smart and loving and everything I wished he would grow in to when he was a babe in my arms.  What I learned was that it is not the method of delivery, but the message that counts.  This year, the message that Christmas is about family and love and thankfulness was heard loud and clear, in our own evolving way.