The same goes for Huma Abedin and her husband. Their problems were made public - that in no way changes the fact that they are very private, the most private, matters. The problem is that when they were made public, a lot of people thought that gave them the right, not just to comment on them, but to stand in judgment of how they (particularly Huma) were dealing with their problems. It didn't. What people should have done, is to say that it seems like an awful situation and I sure wouldn't want to be in that situation myself BUT (and here is the critical part) I don't know all the details, it’s not my life, I don’t live in their shoes. A woman (or a man, for that matter) dealing with a tragedy in her (or his) marriage deserves respect and privacy to deal with it.
Can we, as a public, be any more demeaning and callous?
I don't presume to know why Huma made the decision(s) she made, but I'm going to respect her private life and not act like judge and jury and wear some sanctimonious cloak of 'I know better' and 'I would behave differently.' The short answer and the true answer is that you're not her AND unless you're her best friend, I'm guessing she hasn't called you up to talk through all this.
I also don’t have any idea why Hilary stayed with Bill after his escapades were made public. Again, that was a seriously private matter made public, and their handling of it was and is a private matter. So I seriously think that anybody who wants to judge Huma or Hilary - two incredibly smart, and by all accounts tough and successful women, are actually doing harm to the image of two women who could and should serve as role models NOT JUST for women but for men as well. The dirty truth that no one seems to want to admit is that it is much tougher, more courageous, takes much more self-esteem and hard work to try to repair a damaged relationship than to walk away from one. The fact that these women have had to try to do this in the face of public scrutiny should be respected, not ridiculed.
No one is to say whose marriages will survive and whose won’t, what transgressions can be overcome and what can’t, and who can or will change and who won’t. Until you’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes you cannot say what they should do or what you would do in their position, because you don’t really know what “their position” is. You only know what it looks like from the outside.
Life is complicated; marriage even more so. Let's put down the arrogance and presumption that we know enough about the personal lives of anyone, including public figures, to judge them on how they conduct their private affairs.
My husband is a historian who studied Early America. It always upsets him when people refer to “The Founders” as if they were some kind of supermen and not really human. They were human, they had flaws, they made some seriously questionable decisions. But, on the other side of that scale, is the great work they did – not because they were superhuman, but precisely because they were human and they faced the same struggles we still do today. That’s what makes people role models – not their perfection, but their imperfection; not their success, but the way they face their challenges.
Male or female, we all make difficult decisions in life. I have a son, and I hope that I am a good role model for him. I hope that when confronted with challenges in his life, he will be able to face them with courage, grace, intelligence and strength, and not let other people's judgment influence his decisions. I want him to know that it is important to be respectful of other people and private matters, even when they are made public.
