Sociopathy Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry

I was watching a news recap of the events of 2011 and one segment that really stood out for me was the interviews with Jerry Sandusky, that scumbag from Penn State who molested young boys.  The part that really struck me was when he was asked if he was sexually attracted to young boys, and he actually flubbed the answer!  Now, a normal human being would not have hesitated in categorically denying any attraction.  Even an accomplished liar would not have hesitated, knowing that such a question had only one respectable answer.  The reason Sandusky flubbed it though, was due to the fact that he actually had to wrap his mind around the fact that his actions were wrong.  The interviews – not just one of them but TWO interviews, where he made the exact same mistake made it clear to everyone watching that he is completely convinced in his own mind that he has done nothing wrong.  Ted Bundy didn’t think he did anything wrong either.  Charles Manson still wonders why he is jail.

 

The sad truth is that these people walk among us.  They are not monsters; they don’t have horns and cloven hooves.  And, they are not all child molesters or murderers.  But they wreak havoc in the lives of people close to them in myriad ways.  They just lack something that most of us have. Call it a moral compass, a sense of responsibility, call it respect.  Whatever it is, there is a piece missing which allows them to behave however they want, and to sleep at night, to even feel good about themselves. 

They don’t have to apologize for anything, because they’ve done nothing wrong, in their minds.  Although, they may become good at apologizing in an effort to convince others that they truly do have a conscience and care about others’ feelings.  In fact, they become expert “spin doctors.”  They learn how to make themselves the victim in every situation that does not go in their favor; from turning a failing business into a “win”, to lost relationships into the fault of the other party, to claiming that they are more adult, evolving, taking risks and chances that others are simply too ignorant or too fearful to take or even understand.  They will make sure they project an image of themselves as good, caring and loving individuals, beyond question.  They are often parents and churchgoers.  In fact, they will go to great lengths to advertise the fact that they are particularly good citizens, churchgoers and excellent parents.  The Green River Killer, after all, was a cop and made a point of volunteering in the community.  He was also, by all accounts, a devoted family man.  Sadly, his particular sociopathy was not identified in time to save lives.

Even when these people are spotted, confronting them and outing them becomes a problem due to the fact that the individuals being hurt are, in one way or another, wrapped up in the relationship and have something to risk.  For example, in the Sandusky affair, the issue was money.   Keeping Sandusky’s actions undercover (no pun intended) was vital to the Penn State football program.  

A sociopath will act like your friend, find out your secrets, and then hold you hostage with them.  People who know sociopaths have a lot wrapped up in not standing up and calling them out, be they business or personal relationships.  This is how they maintain control – through fear.  They are treated like friends publicly, but talked about behind their backs.  How many people knew about what Sandusky was doing, for example, and for how long, with evidence even, but no one spoke up.

So, what does one do when one realizes they have encountered a sociopath in their midst?  You can’t get through to them, since they are so utterly convinced of their superiority and “rightness.”  So, why bother to try?  Why have the boys that were molested by Sandusky finally able to step forward?  Was it because of the power in numbers?  But, one person had to step forward and speak up first.  One person had to break the cycle.

I pray for people who have been affected by both the monsters like Sandusky and the everyday run-of-the mill sociopaths that they may, unfortunately, encounter in their lives.  Whether they stand up and confront their nemeses or just learn to cut the sociopath out of their lives and move on. 

Of course, barring the horns and cloven feet, and barring any allegations of criminal behavior, the run-of-the mill sociopath is hard to recognize.  I think the best we can do is to not let our guard down.   I wish I knew how to best warn people; to prevent the pain and destruction that will undoubtedly be encountered by letting such a person into their lives.  So, I send my thoughts out here, hoping that someone who needs to hear this will.  That someone will beware and will take heed. 

The Nightmare Before Christmas Christmas

This year my son is twelve.  Twelve!  I can't get over it.  We are past believing in Santa Claus, leaving cookies out on a plate, leaving our "Magic Santa Key" under the doormat (we don't have a fireplace, so Santa has to get in somehow!).

I've known for several years that this time was quickly approaching.  Thankfully for me, my child was slower to let go of the Magic of Christmas than many of his peers.  I attribute this partly to the fact that he is an only child and partly to his older friends who were kind enough not to tease him or blow the fantasy, but play along with us.  When he came home from Kindergarten and announced that some children were saying that Santa Clause wasn't real, I quickly told him that they must be bad, and Santa doesn't bring them gifts!  I immediately regretted throwing those kids under the bus (I was imagining how my son looked at those children in school the next day, and what bad things he thought they must have done for Santa to skip their houses on Christmas Eve).  But, he easily accepted my explanation and my "white lie" managed to get us through several more years of Santa Claus presents under the tree and half-eaten cookies in the kitchen.  My son also has a very active imagination and just Loves fantasy and myth and magic.  I think he actually knew that Santa wasn't real long before he admitted it to me, because he wanted to keep up the fantasy (maybe even more for Mom and Dad than for himself).


Of course, he did finally let go of Santa a couple of Christmases ago and I, in true Sassy Scrapbook Gal fashion, have been in denial. He is my one and only, and once the magic is gone, there are no others behind him, still believing, still needing Mommy to create those special moments. But because this is a year of change for me and acceptance and being present, I decided to not only accept that my son is no longer a little boy, but to embrace it, to evolve with him, and to thoroughly enjoy the incredible person he is becoming, instead of mourning the child he is leaving behind.

So, what does this have to do with "The Nightmare Before Christmas", you ask?  Well, the method to this madness of acceptance and evolving started with Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas," because this movie, while animated, is still "cool" enough for my son.  So, this year, instead of pajamas with reindeer and sugar cookies in the shape of stars, it was Nightmare Before Christmas pjs and chocolate "Gingerdead Men."  We watched A Nightmare Before Christmas and played Nightmare Before Christmas Yahtzee.   At the end of the day, we baked goodies and played games and laughed and giggled and made fun of everything. My son may not be a little boy anymore, but he is sweet and precious and funny and smart and loving and everything I wished he would grow in to when he was a babe in my arms.  What I learned was that it is not the method of delivery, but the message that counts.  This year, the message that Christmas is about family and love and thankfulness was heard loud and clear, in our own evolving way.

How Time Flies...

I have not yet figured out, since starting this blog, how to get my ideas organized and post regularly.  I have half written blog posts stagnating in my head, and seemingly no time to write them down. I had great aspirations of posting at least a couple of times a month, but my work and personal life keep getting in the way :)  


I fully intended to post my favorite fall muffin recipes, as fall is the beginning of baking season in my house.  I usually begin baking muffins on Oct. 1, moving to cookies in November/December, and I was hoping to document it all.  But, life is so hectic here in the fall, that finding time to sit down and write about it just wasn't in the cards.  From my and my son's birthdays, to Halloween to Thanksgiving, I can hardly believe that we are now already headed full swing into Christmas!   Suffice it to say that much baking, celebrating and traveling has been going on.  Although I haven't documented my thoughts here, I am itching to start creating scrapbook keepsakes of all of this fall's memories (especially after my Black Friday trip to my favorite scrapbook store!) 

The catalyst for my deciding to make time to sit down and type out my thoughts this morning however, is that my husband has received some very sad news today of the sudden passing of a colleague with whom he was speaking just last night and planning to collaborate with later this month.  By all accounts this man was one of the kindest, most generous people you ever want to meet.  He will be greatly missed. 


So, while my life is whizzing by and I am contemplating everything that I would like to find time to do, I just wanted to stop for a moment and be thankful for all that I have and the people that I love.  We only have this one life and we don't know how much time we have to live it.  Today is truly all we have.  I plan to hold those dear to me very close tonight and give thanks to God, because in the end, that is all that matters.

Welcome Fall, Welcome Change!

Welcome, welcome, fall, the very BEST time of year! I can’t believe October is over already!  Fall is my favorite time of year and October is, without a doubt, my favorite month, in no small part because my son was born in October.  Many of the moments surrounding my son’s birth were filled with chaos and ended up in a blur.  I do, however,  have a beautiful, clear memory of lying in my hospital bed the morning after my son was born, looking out the window and witnessing the most amazing sunrise showcasing the dazzling colors of the changing fall leaves, and knowing that my life would never be the same.  Everyone had gone home to get some rest, and it was just my newborn and I, all alone for the first time.

This is one of the moments in life that brings me contentment and joy.  This is the moment I often call to mind whenever I need to re-focus on the things that are truly important and rid myself of the daily garbage that can drag me down.  This is why October is so important to me.  This is the time of year when I realize how short life really is and how fast it goes by.  This is a time for reflection for me; a time to take stock and be thankful for all the wonderful and amazing things in my life, among the most important, my (no longer a baby) boy.

Like any mother, my son has inspired me every day to try to be a better person and better mother.  He makes me want to be the person he thinks I am.  Every choice that I’ve made since he was born was, in a way, inspired by him and my desire to work with my husband to provide the best life possible for our little family.   I don’t regret any of the choices I made.

I wanted to be able to be with my child, every day, as much as possible.  Of course, it wasn't always possible. A living has to be made, after all.  But, I was extremely lucky to be working for a law firm that provided 100% of my pay during a 4 month maternity leave.  In addition, they had on-site day care for parents returning from maternity/paternity leave, so that I could see my son and have him near me every day during this important transition period. My husband and I managed for me to home with my son throughout his entire kindergarten year, the first year he can remember relocating to a new state.  I was there for him, trying to help him make friends and become independent.  I've never had to miss a birthday, a holiday, or an important first experience.  For this, I am eternally grateful.

Every decision I’ve made has been made deliberately and with the full understanding of the possible consequences.   Every career move, every relocation, each with specific pros and cons carefully weighed.  I would never say that I was living an inauthentic life or a life that I didn’t want.   If I didn’t want the life I had created, I would have made different decisions.

I say all this as a preface to the point I am going to make that it is time for change, and that yearning for change going forward doesn’t mean that I would change anything in the past.  Change is a part of life.  As I watch my son grow and change from a little kid into a young man, I realize that the decisions I make going forward will need to grow and change too.   I realize now that there are a number of things that I have always wanted to do and now is the time to try to do them.  Now is all we have.   Everyone does the best they can with what they have and what they know.  When you know better, you do better (I think I heard that on Oprah).  Well, now I know better.   This is the year for me to start making different choices and doing things differently.   This is the year for me to not only embrace the past and my past decisions, but to embrace the change.

Hear Me Roar!

I have to admit that I started this blog rather naively.  I simply wanted to try something completely new.
I got on Twitter roughly a year ago and had a somewhat rough start there, with cyber stalkers and hurtful people that took advantage of the public nature of Twitter to interfere in my personal life.  (But, that's a story for another post).

My natural tendency is to take things slowly, think things through, weigh the positives and negatives carefully.  After participating in several "personality tests" through my employers over the years (Myers Briggs, among the most well-known http://www.myersbriggs.org), it is no surprise to me when I Always Always Always come out on the far "introspective" end of the "introvert/extrovert" spectrum.  I am what is also  known as an "analyzer".   I need time to process information.  I am not quick on the fly, nor do I make rash or spontaneous decisions.

Understanding this about myself has helped me immensely over the past years.  I have learned not to be so hard on myself or to see my lack of spontaneity or the inability to respond quickly and decisively in any given situation as a character flaw.  I am learning to embrace who I am. My carefully thought out nature makes me trustworthy, loyal, and someone you can count on to follow through in any given situation. If I were a man, I would be the "strong, silent type."  But, being a woman, I have found that I am more often discounted as being unopinionated or easily railroaded. Neither of which is true.



I am also, by no means, someone who is not interested in new experiences or in being challenged.  Am I slow to change?  Most definately.  Do I enjoy it once I decide to make the leap?  Absolutely! Maybe more so because I know that I have not let fear rule my decision.

So here I am, with my very own blog, and feeling a little giddy!  I have to say my husband's comment that a blog is like a pin in haystack and the likelihood that anyone will actually read what I write, actually made it easier for me to take the leap. Whether that was how he meant me to take it, I'm not really sure. With that in mind though, I think of this as more of an online journal than anything else. I would certainly like some encouragement and advice along the way, but if no one reads this and encouragement is not received, so be it.  I am doing something new and learning and growing from it.

All that being said, what I really wanted to say is simply that I have been overwhelmed and awed by the bloggers that I have found on Twitter and it is because of them that I am encouraged to start this blog. I am humbled by the creativity of the scrapbookers out there; the insight of the professional writers and business professionals; the bravery of the mommy bloggers who bare their souls and expose their heartbreaks, their mistakes, and even (or maybe especially) the tongue-in-cheek posts  that remind me not to take myself so seriously.

I am soaking it up, drinking it all in, analyzing it. And I know that I have only just begun to touch my toe in the waters of what is out there. I have even been so inspired by everyone that I am also considering starting my own creative business.  Of course, this will entail much future analyzing, planning, re-analyzing, re-planning, etc.  But, I fully intend to take that leap of faith too. So stay tuned...

In the meantime, I am here to stay. So, watch out, hear me roar! ;-)

April 2011 Crop

 These are a few of my completed pages from my last weekend crop in Shepherdstown, WV.  I have to give it up to Valerie at Creative Crops for putting on another amazing weekend. 

Besides offering an opportunity to escape from the "real world" for few days and completely immerse yourself in your hobby, the people behind Creative Crops work hard to ensure that everything is taken care of for you.

We are treated to a variety of knowledgeable vendors, 6 feet of table space, gift bags, great food, snacks, music, comfy rooms, 24 hour crop room, massages, pedicures, and of course, let's not forget the wonderful hotel staff who take drink orders and deliver to the crop room, for anyone too busy to take a break at the bar! 


I also have to mention the amazing door prizes! I actually won the Cricut Gypsy  at the previous event, and was able to take a class to learn new ways to work with it at this event.

At this crop I managed to work in a full body massage and a pedicure, and my table won a free weekend at the next crop, which we are already planning!

I just love my scrapbooking weekends!  Not only am I more productive than any time I try to crop at home, but I meet so many interesting and fun people and find myself truly rejuvinated.  It's my favorite "me" time and one of the most important things I treat myself to every year.  

It's so difficult to take time away from family and responsibilities.  We've all been there.  Putting ourselves last on th list.  Often, when there is time, I want to spend it With my family, not Away from them.  But, I do feel that giving myself the time away a couple of times a year to indulge myself doing something I love so much, makes me a better  person, for myself and the people in my life.


And, just look at the end product!  I love that I will be able to pass down to my son, beautiful, creative and unique memory books for him to him look back on his childhood and show his children.

So, while I am indulging myself, I am also doing something  important and lasting for my family.  What better hobby could there be? :D

Is there anyone out there who has a crop that they regularly attend and are as excited about as I am? I would love to hear all about it!