Last Words on 2013 - "So What?"

One of my favorite things that I did this year was a family trip to Punxsutawney, PA for Groundhog Day with several of my friends and their families.

We were hit with unexpected snowy weather and a bitter bitter cold morning that only made everything seem even more of an adventure.









My husband and son and I decided to take a roundabout route so that we could stop in Pittsburgh and tour the Andy Warhol museum and have lunch at the original Primanti Bros. restaurant where they put the fries right on the sandwich (so much better than the chain versions that have sprung up in the area).  YUM!


For me, the Warhol museum was one of the highlights of trip. I am fascinated by Andy Warhol's extraordinary talent and unique approach to life.  

 It turns out Warhol was actually equal parts artist and philosopher ;)  

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ― Andy Warhol, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol

In many ways, Andy Warhol's words of wisdom mirror what I have learned in 2013.  I've experienced quite a bit of personal pain these past few years and have been working on healing and growing and changing from it. I've had this toxic person in my life who, like a bad penny or a stubborn stomach virus, just won't seem to go away. Even today she continues to try to paint a picture of herself as a victim and I am somehow her bad guy.  The truth is, I haven't done anything but get put in a bad situation, not only by bad choices made by her and others, but by her inability to move on.  I've been watching her pattern of playing the victim and dredging up the past to make pointed and hurtful commentary on me and my life, repeat itself over and over. It has gone from infuriating to annoying to now just plain ridiculous. 

Lke Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day, I've had to learn to stop using my time and energy on shallow stuff (like someone else's drama) and start using my experiences to grow and learn and become a better person. When Bill's character in the movie finally made this connection, the spell was broken and he was free from the neverending cycle. That's been me in 2013. 

“Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That's one of my favorite things to say. So what.” 

― Andy Warhol, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol

Almost without even recognizing  the change happening, I now realize how much I have changed and how I have let old problems make me miserable for no reason. This, I think, is the most important thing I learned in 2013.  

What I've also learned is, that while you can't rush change, you just have to hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other, you also have the amazing power of choice.  I get to choose how I feel and what I allow in my life. I get to be the catalyst for the changes I want. I've also learned that sometimes you just have to let yourself feel the pain.  Nobody wants to do that.  It's sometimes easier not to go there, especially if you are as good at avoidance as I am.  I am the queen of that.  But, once I learned to just accept that I'm going to feel bad sometimes and that's ok, I learned how to express my feelings and get them out, rather than suppress them and be miserable inside.  I learned that, as scary as it is, the route to change and healing is through being vulnerable and honest, not just with others, but with yourself.

2013 has been a very good year.  A year of change, a year of realizations and year of feeling good - really good, not just suppressing the bad and hoping to feel only the good.  The change has been real, the fun and laughter and good times have been real, and even the bad feelings, when they came, have been real.  Getting through it all has been real.  And that is really good. 

So, Thank You, Thank You Mr. Warhol for my new favorite thing to say "So what." (RIP)

Open Letter to Someone Who Knows Nothing About Me

To the Woman in the Middle School Drop-Off Line who approached my car and tapped on the window to tell me that my pet adoption sticker on the back of my car was offensive and hurt her adopted daughter’s feelings:

I want you to know that I have carefully considered your position and I believe I should have the opportunity to express mine.  However, since you didn't bother to introduce yourself, and I don't know anything more about you than that you have an adopted daughter, I have no way of contacting you.  

I am stressed about how to nicely handle the situation if I run into you again.  I do not wish to be confrontational, but I do want you to understand why I don't agree with your actions.  I did remove the magnet from my car (and replaced it with new versions).  I did this to show a certain amount of respect (respect, by the way, that I do not think was afforded to me) and because our children go to the same school.  If you see that I have changed the magnets on my car, you can choose to explain it to your child however you wish.  But I want you to know the truth of the matter.

The truth is this:  It is not ok to go around teaching other adults a lesson.  What exactly you thought the lesson was about, I'm not quite sure -- Thoughtfulness?  Kindness?

The fact is that you don't know the first thing about me.  I happen to be extremely sensitive and kind-hearted. The interaction I had with you actually left me in tears and very shook up.  I didn't like thinking for a minute that I had been thoughtless and unkind.  I took your words to heart, and considered them very seriously.  I understand and appreciate that you were merely trying to protect your child.  

You see, what I also want you to understand, is that I too, have a child with special needs.  My child has been picked on and made fun of for his particular issues, and it is no fun to watch him be hurt and suffer that kind of pain and embarrassment.  So, I do understand that as parents of children with special needs, we are on even higher alert than most.  

Some other things that you don't know about me (and can't have known about me, since you don't know me at all), is that my husband who is himself adopted and who picked out the "offensive" car magnet, also has a sister who is adopted.  It never occurred to him, or to her when she saw the magnet, to think of it as hurtful in any way.  Also, we have considered adopting a child ourselves.  Child adoption is not something that we are unfamiliar with. 

In addition, and what the magnet is clearly actually about, is that for various reasons, pet adoption is a cause that is near and dear to my family.  

I am truly sorry that your child was upset or hurt in any way by my car magnet.  However, in my opinion, you could have used that moment to connect with your child and explore her hurt feelings; or to explain to her how important it is to adopt pets instead of letting them be put down; or to explain how adoption is an act of love that is even more powerful because it is an expression of choice.  You could have used the opportunity to explain to her that people who adopt are generally extremely big-hearted and loving. There are just so many ways that interaction could have gone, that I am stunned and appalled that what you chose to do was to confront me (in front of my child, no less). 

What you showed her by example, is that it is perfectly acceptable to confront someone who chooses to express themselves and their passion differently from how you would express yourself, even when the underlying passion or message is one of love and acceptance.  Worse, you taught your daughter that it is ok to assume that you know better than someone else that you don't even know, and that you can make assumptions about perfect strangers based on what you see reflected on the outside.  And above all, that in the act of making those assumptions, you should go with the worst possible assumptions (that I am thoughtless and unkind) rather than the best (that I have an appreciation and a passion for adoption, and that such people are generally more thoughtful and kind, not less).

Your child is going to run into a zillion things in life that are upsetting and you can't fight these mini-battles for her forever.  Next time you see the same car magnet promoting pet adoption (and they are on cars in our area everywhere - mine was hardly unique), perhaps instead of confronting another adult (who by the way, may not react as politely as I did) you should have the (maybe uncomfortable) conversation with your daughter to educate her, instead of validating her hurt feelings over something (pet adoption) that clearly has nothing to do with her (adoption of a child). 

Or maybe next time, you could simply thank the person for showing support of adoption (in any form).

My new car magnets! Please excuse the dirty  dirty car - 
these were taken right after a recent snow :)  

"Love, Actually" isn't actually about Love.

Let me start out by saying this - I LOVE romantic comedies.  My husband has long teased me that, if I had my druthers, they are probably the only genre of movie I would watch.  I think that is taking it a little too far. I do have other interests. However, I will admit, that I would watch them a LOT. The problem is that really good romantic comedies just don't come along all that often.  For that reason, I so desperately wanted to love this movie, with such an outstanding cast and Christmas as a backdrop, how could it go wrong?  But it does.  So grandiously Wrong.

I've hated this movie since the first time I watched it (going on 10 years ago - wow, I'm geting old). It left me feeling depressed and vaguely angry, but I couldn't really put a finger on why.  After seeing and hearing praise for it over and over again, I gave this movie several more tries at winning me over, thinking that I was possibly in a bad mood or in a bad place when I saw it.  But, no. Each time I watched it, or tried to watch it (I don't think I ever got completey through it after one viewing), I just became angrier and angrier.

Then recently I noticed in my Twitter stream that 'Love, Actually' is having its 10th anniversary (has it Reeeaalllly been Ten Years?  See previous comment). I noticed new articles about the movie and people anticipating watching it again over the holidays.  I thought to myself - "what is wrong with me? Could I really be the only person on this planet who HATES this movie?" Then I began to think "what is wrong with our society that people can be so in love with this movie!?"  So, I actually googled - "Who Hates Love Actually?" and was rewarded with several reviews that left me feeling both vindicated and far from alone in my "bah humbugness."

I won't go into detail about the hideousness of each and every story line.  There are far better reviewers who have done that.  See here:
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1716844/love-actually-movie-critics.jhtml?utm=share_twitter
and here:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/emilyorley/times-love-actually-lied-to-us-about-love
and especially here:
http://www.videogum.com/250742/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-love-actually/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/

The best review, in my opinion, was the one I found by Mary Elizabeth Williams on Salon.com.  Not only did I see a kindred soul in her appreciation for romantic comedies and wanting so much to love this movie, but I think she very intuitively hits the nail on the head by pointing out the decidedly misogynistic point of view of the entire movie. See here:
http://www.salon.com/2012/12/19/love_actually_the_worst_christmas_movie_ever/

Since the major issues have all been well covered by much better writers than I, there is only one point left that I feel the need to make, and that is this *steps up on soapbox*:

'Love, Actually' actually has nothing to do with Love.

'Love, Actually' is a commentary on what our society accepts as love these days.  The devaluing of real love because it takes a lot of time and committment on the part of both individuals.   These are things that our fast-paced "I want everything now and I want it wrapped up in a great big pretty package with a bow on it so that I can feel good right now" lives have no patience for.  Love should not be disposable, and if you aren't ecstatically happy all the time, that doesn't mean you're not "in love" anymore.  It takes real committment, communication and sometimes sacrifice. You have to take the time to focus on your significant other and his/her needs.  And that's what it's all about, folks.  The rewards in the end are multitude, including lots of laughter and fun, and worth every bit of effort and then some. But, for some reason, I see more and more people thinking that love should only be easy and fun.  When it's not, or they are bored with the lives they have built with someone, they look for something different.  Something easier, something new and fresh and exciting, but in my mind, massively less meaningful.   I am not so eloquent a writer nor self-grandising enough to think that I can describe what real Love is, but (much like pornography), I know it when I see it.  And, more importantly, I know what it is not, and it is most decididly not anything depicted in 'Love, Actually'.
*steps down from soapbox*

All that being said, a good romantic comedy should simply leave the viewer feeling happy and optimistic about love (aka "The Wedding Singer" and "You've Got Mail", two of my all-time faves).  True, they typically depict the beginning of love, when everything is exciting and new, and there is so much to be optimistic about. Real life however,  is messy and so is real love.  But, that's ok too.  There are so many great romantic comedies out there, from classics to more modern movies, that I can't even begin to list them. However (since I went there), here are some pretty well curated lists:

http://www.imdb.com/list/Cylzo7wmyZI/
http://www.pastemagazine.com/blogs/lists/2013/04/the-50-best-romantic-comedies-of-all-time.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/12/romantic-comedies-best-_n_2664977.html

Although one of these lists does include 'Love, Actually', for the most part, as I peruse these lists I am reminded of so many truly great "feel good" rom-coms that I am now dying to spend an entire weekend binge-watching them  (don't tell the hubby.)

Happy Anniversary To Us!

Today is our 23rd wedding anniversary (this is a co-written post :-)).  We chose to get married this time of year because it's our favorite season (Winter is coming).  The fact that it's also the most hectic, especially once children are in the picture, never entered our minds when we were walking down the aisle.  Over the years,  we've found that it's not easy to carve out time for ourselves to celebrate, between Thanksgiving festivities and getting ready for Christmas. We have learned though, that it is important to make that effort and make that time.

We've had so many wonderful and warm congratulations from friends and family remembering our wedding day, it is truly heartwarming and humbling.  We feel that it's a tribute to the fact and evidence that it really does take a community to support a marriage and a family. It's also striking the number of comments that we get saying how "easy" we make it look. We've got friends and family who talk about how they hope for a relationship like ours.  As flattering as this is, we really need to set the record straight - it's priceless and wonderful but it is absolutely, unequivocally, not easy.  

Anyone who tells you different - that their relationship is easy - is either lying, or in for a very rude awakening. Life and marriage are full of ups and downs.  If you're in it only for the good times, then don't expect your marriage to last.  That may sound harsh, but it's the plain truth.  Things won't always be good.  The goal is always for the good to outweigh the bad; that's what makes it worth hanging in there and doing whatever you need to do to support each other.  Learn how to communicate, address any issues as soon as possible and in the healthiest way possible. We've both had to learn how to talk about the things we didn't want to talk about. Our knee-jerk reaction to almost any problem is to ignore it and hope it will go away.  Trust us, it doesn't. (And it really doesn't help if your partner has the same inclination).

Getting over the hump in bad times and getting through them with your relationship intact takes a lot of work; a lot of forgiveness; a lot of understanding; a lot of compromise; a lot of prayer; and a lot of love. We're writing this together for a couple of reasons - it seemed right - an anniversary is a team effort. We're also writing this together because we've come through some really, incredibly hard times and are now coming out the other side. We want to say to anyone out there having trouble in their relationship or even in finding love, not to think that if it isn't easy, it isn't good or it isn't true love.  You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.  You only see the face that people choose to show the world. Relationships that seem great could be really troubled in private; or ones that seem troubled, could actually be really healthy because the individuals have learned how to express themselves and accept each other.  You just don't know.

We are  firm believers that anything can be worked through if both partners want to. Our marriage is living proof of it. It's not always been easy but, it's always been worth it. We've been through a lot, but we are very happy and very much still in love. That's the reason that it is so important to make time to celebrate it.  It's an accomplishment that we are both proud of and that deserves recognizing, no matter how hectic the time of year.

<3 Mark and Greta