Open Letter to Someone Who Knows Nothing About Me

To the Woman in the Middle School Drop-Off Line who approached my car and tapped on the window to tell me that my pet adoption sticker on the back of my car was offensive and hurt her adopted daughter’s feelings:

I want you to know that I have carefully considered your position and I believe I should have the opportunity to express mine.  However, since you didn't bother to introduce yourself, and I don't know anything more about you than that you have an adopted daughter, I have no way of contacting you.  

I am stressed about how to nicely handle the situation if I run into you again.  I do not wish to be confrontational, but I do want you to understand why I don't agree with your actions.  I did remove the magnet from my car (and replaced it with new versions).  I did this to show a certain amount of respect (respect, by the way, that I do not think was afforded to me) and because our children go to the same school.  If you see that I have changed the magnets on my car, you can choose to explain it to your child however you wish.  But I want you to know the truth of the matter.

The truth is this:  It is not ok to go around teaching other adults a lesson.  What exactly you thought the lesson was about, I'm not quite sure -- Thoughtfulness?  Kindness?

The fact is that you don't know the first thing about me.  I happen to be extremely sensitive and kind-hearted. The interaction I had with you actually left me in tears and very shook up.  I didn't like thinking for a minute that I had been thoughtless and unkind.  I took your words to heart, and considered them very seriously.  I understand and appreciate that you were merely trying to protect your child.  

You see, what I also want you to understand, is that I too, have a child with special needs.  My child has been picked on and made fun of for his particular issues, and it is no fun to watch him be hurt and suffer that kind of pain and embarrassment.  So, I do understand that as parents of children with special needs, we are on even higher alert than most.  

Some other things that you don't know about me (and can't have known about me, since you don't know me at all), is that my husband who is himself adopted and who picked out the "offensive" car magnet, also has a sister who is adopted.  It never occurred to him, or to her when she saw the magnet, to think of it as hurtful in any way.  Also, we have considered adopting a child ourselves.  Child adoption is not something that we are unfamiliar with. 

In addition, and what the magnet is clearly actually about, is that for various reasons, pet adoption is a cause that is near and dear to my family.  

I am truly sorry that your child was upset or hurt in any way by my car magnet.  However, in my opinion, you could have used that moment to connect with your child and explore her hurt feelings; or to explain to her how important it is to adopt pets instead of letting them be put down; or to explain how adoption is an act of love that is even more powerful because it is an expression of choice.  You could have used the opportunity to explain to her that people who adopt are generally extremely big-hearted and loving. There are just so many ways that interaction could have gone, that I am stunned and appalled that what you chose to do was to confront me (in front of my child, no less). 

What you showed her by example, is that it is perfectly acceptable to confront someone who chooses to express themselves and their passion differently from how you would express yourself, even when the underlying passion or message is one of love and acceptance.  Worse, you taught your daughter that it is ok to assume that you know better than someone else that you don't even know, and that you can make assumptions about perfect strangers based on what you see reflected on the outside.  And above all, that in the act of making those assumptions, you should go with the worst possible assumptions (that I am thoughtless and unkind) rather than the best (that I have an appreciation and a passion for adoption, and that such people are generally more thoughtful and kind, not less).

Your child is going to run into a zillion things in life that are upsetting and you can't fight these mini-battles for her forever.  Next time you see the same car magnet promoting pet adoption (and they are on cars in our area everywhere - mine was hardly unique), perhaps instead of confronting another adult (who by the way, may not react as politely as I did) you should have the (maybe uncomfortable) conversation with your daughter to educate her, instead of validating her hurt feelings over something (pet adoption) that clearly has nothing to do with her (adoption of a child). 

Or maybe next time, you could simply thank the person for showing support of adoption (in any form).

My new car magnets! Please excuse the dirty  dirty car - 
these were taken right after a recent snow :)