Bullies

I have something to say about bullies.  Although we all think we know what bullying looks like, sometimes bullying is subtle, and evident only to those involved.  Sometimes it takes forms that we don't necessarily consider bullying.  

I'm pondering a very sad event that happened in my neighborhood recently.  I would love to tell the story here, but I don't know how the family would feel about it, so I will refrain.  But, let me just say this - when you take actions and make decisions that affect another person's private life, and make those actions and decisions public and fodder for gossip, you are a bully.  When innocent people are hurt and humiliated by your actions, you are bully.  The ripple effects can be more disastrous than the intent, but that doesn't make it ok.  

When you tweet and blog about personal situations that you know are hurtful to the other people involved, that is bullying.  When your behaviors affect others and your commentary on it is specifically designed to hurt, humiliate, intimidate, or provoke another, that is bullying.

My heart breaks for the family involved in this most recent string of events.  There has been drama, retaliation, great pain and ultimately, tragedy.  If the people involved knew the ripple effects their actions would have would they have acted differently?  I don't know.  But I doubt it, since the bully in this situation now seems to see herself as the victim and the scapegoat because someone retaliated.  I'm not quite sure why this came as such a surprise.  Maybe no one has ever confronted this bully before.  The rumor is that she has gotten away with, in fact has a history of such selfish, hurtful behavior, in the past.  So, maybe she truly didn't expect anyone to hold her accountable.

I just know that there is an awful lot of talk lately about bullies in school and protecting our children, teaching them how to stand up to and stop bullies.  But I look around and see adults whose behavior is no better.  Whether you are 5 or 35, it's still bullying.


Ultimately, bullies are cowards and that's why we teach that they should be confronted.  They hide behind groups of friends and online identities.  But, when confronted, they will often turn the tables and try to accuse the people confronting them for their actions as the bullies.

Our children look around and learn bullying behavior.  They see adults who have no consideration for others, whose main objective is to make themselves happy.  What do you expect the children are going to learn and absorb?  What the adults around them say or what they do?

Please please keep what should remain private to yourself, particularly if what you are doing hurts other people.  If you choose to make your private life public knowledge, and as such you are hurting innocent people, be prepared to be stood up to.  That's what we tell our children to do, and we should do no less as adults.   You don’t get respect where it is not given and don’t cry “victim” if you are the one that started the war.